considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
