The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
