My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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