I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So much Jack, so little girl.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
