Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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