I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
