last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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