Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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