why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You ruined the universe
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
