I CAN MOONWALK!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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