Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
