the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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