I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
