Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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