He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
