just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
