theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
