When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
