Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
