All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
My cat gives me a boner
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
