Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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