Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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