I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
