It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
