First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
