he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
