Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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