Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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