The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
