I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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