i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
