you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
