he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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