I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
