dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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