There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
