I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
