you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
