I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
