Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
