She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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