Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
