do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
