This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
