I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dignity is for republicans.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
