What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
