The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
