she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
