I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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