it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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