the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
